Control
by Rosewhisker41622
Summary: Takes place after S2E9. Toby feels the strong need to be perfect, even though he’s not on the wrestling team anymore. Basically, his eating disorder goes on for longer.
1. Control

Warning, contains anorexia and bulimia. Not in the same sequence as "Eyesore" or any of my other stories.

**Chapter 1 - Control**

_Toby's POV_

I hate myself so much. I just want be noticed.

I tried to join the wrestling team, but since I fainted on the mat in front of everyone, I got kicked off. JT reassured me everyone was worried, and I found out for myself at school. It's been three weeks since then, and I've went back to normal weight. But I don't feel normal. I felt control when I didn't eat, and I when I threw up. And that's what I needed, control. If I lost weight, people would notice me.

They would notice how perfect I was.

So that's what I've been trying to do for the past week and a half. My step-sister stopped staying on top of what I was eating about a week after I fainted, and my best friend did too. My girlfriend never even started. Whatever, at least I have one. So, I just use excuses in the morning, like, I'll purposely come down late and say I'll eat on the way to school, when really, I just throw it away. At lunch, I usually eat a little bit, because I don't want to end up fainting again. But at dinner, I can't avoid my dad and step-mom. I have to eat, but I always throw it up. I even have a secret food diary, as stupid as that sounds. Sometimes I can get out of eating by saying stuff like, "I don't feel well" or "I ate before I came", but other times I have to eat so they won't suspect anything. Not to worry, it always ends up in the toilet, thank god theres a radio so no one will hear me throwing up. The case isn't the same at school, I'll just make sure the bathroom is empty.

Right now, I'm walking to school. Luckily, Ashley had already left so I didn't even need to make up an excuse. When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my cheeks were looking slightly swollen, and my eyes were slightly red. I haven't been sleeping good. And another thing was midnight purging. On the bright side, my stomach was looking smaller, so that was good. It was working.

I finally reach the school and see JT, my best friend, waiting at the front of the school. He smiles brightly when he sees me, which I never understand. I'm an eyesore to look at. My own girlfriend never even smiles when she's around me anymore. Whatever.

"Hey Tobes!" JT says in a cheery voice. This is going to sound really gay, which I'm not, but I think JT is perfect. He's got nice brown hair, beautiful hazel eyes, and he's skinny. He's also got a personality along with all that. He's the sweetest guy you'll meet, but he's also a huge dork at the same time, always playing pranks and mocking people. I'm surprised he doesn't have a girlfriend. I mean, he liked Paige, one of the popular ninth graders, but she rejected him because we're in eighth.

"Uhh, what are you staring at?" JT teased. Shoot, he must have caught me staring at him.

"Nothing." I roll my eyes, and he looks at my suspiciously for a second, before shrugging it off, "So, where's the girl?" He asks, referring to Kendra. He doesn't like her for some reason, and he's always grossed out when we hold hands or whatever.

"Does it matter? Look, can we just go to class?" I sound angry, I know, but I'm in a really bad mood at the moment.

"Oh come on Tobes, what's with you?" He looks shocked I sort of yelled at him.

"Sorry...I guess it's just school, y'know?" A half-way lie.

"Well, lets hang out after school today. My place? Just the two of us." I can't turn down that. It's better when it's just the two of us, he's my favorite person.

"Sure." Just then, the bell rang for class. Thank god it's Friday.

...

Lunch

JT's POV

I was sitting with four of my friends, one of which I had a huge crush on, and there was one person here I didn't like at all. I was sitting across from my crush. Oh yeah, my crush is Toby. The only person who knew I liked him was Liberty, one of my closest friends, and that's because when she liked me last year I told her that I liked him. I'm not gay, but I like him. Anyway, she also knows how much I despise his girlfriend, Kendra, who was sitting next to him.

I keep sneaking glances at Toby, simply because I find him perfect. I don't even need to list those things because it's simply everything about him I find perfect.

But glancing him I can't help but notice he's picking at his plate, not really eating anything. I think back to three weeks ago, and how worried I was once I found out he wasn't eating. I had even caught him throwing up in the bathroom! It was scary to think about. I was so worried I hugged him after the whole thing was over, which he probably thought was hella weird or whatever. But, maybe he's just not hungry.

Liberty, who I assume was trying to talk to me, obviously noticed I kept sneaking glances at Toby. So I assume she looked at him for a minute, and then noticed what he was doing. But unlike me, she said something about it.

"Hey Toby, why are you always picking at your food? I barely ever see you eat anything." He looked up at her, and then looked at me and the others, clearly uncomfortable that all the attention has turned to him.

"Yeah, she's right. You're not starving yourself again are you?" Of course Emma had to bring that up.

"N-no." Toby stammered on his words, which I found kind of weird. He only did that when he was lying or was around "cool" people.

I think everyone else noticed that too, and I caught Kendra roll her eyes at this. Toby did too, but most likely for a different reason.

"Since all of you want to get all up in my business then fine I'll eat something! Jeez. Maybe I just wasn't hungry." He reluctantly started eating more, and I could tell he didn't want too. Everyone dropped it when he started eating, though. Everyone but me. But eventually I continued to mind my business.

After a few minutes, Toby got up and said he was going to the bathroom. No one thought it was weird, but me. I was the one who caught him throwing up last time. But he stopped, right? I'm just being paranoid because I really, really like him. I wish he liked me but he likes Kendra. Whatever, she doesn't like him as much as I do.

After another few minutes, I decided to go in the bathroom just to be sure. I walked in and saw no one near the sink, so I looked underneath the stalls, and I saw Toby kneeling down in the last one.

"Toby? What are you doing in there?" I didn't hear sounds like someone throwing up, so that was good. But what if he already did or was about to?

"Uh, I was just...uh...sitting here?" That was a lie, even I knew that. Who just sits on the bathroom floor just because?

"Toby, I can tell when you're lying. What were you really doing?" I got no response like last time, instead he got up and forcefully opened the door. When he did, he looked pissed off.

"Why don't you just leave me alone?" Toby shouted, and it slightly hurt. The last thing I wanted to do was leave him alone. I recognized these sighs, last time he was like this, all weird and crabby, it was because he wasn't eating and when he did he threw it up. The thought of it scared me.

"Toby-" before I can finish the bell rings for the end of lunch, which means we have to go back to class. Great. We both walk out, not speaking.

...

The end of the day, outside of the school

Toby's POV

I was waiting for JT, because I need to apologize for lashing out on him, and I was going to his place anyway. If he still wanted me there. I was pretty harsh in the bathroom.

And also pretty careless. When he came in, I had just finished purging. I think he knows what I'm doing, or at least suspects it. He sounded serious, which he never is unless somethings actually wrong. Whatever.

"HELLO!" I just then realize Kendra was trying to talk to me as I felt her lightly shove me.

"Sorry Kendra..." she scoffs and rolls her eyes, but then just shakes it off.

"So, what are we doing after school?" She asks, and I have no idea why she thinks we're hanging out. She barely even talks to me, even though she's my girlfriend.

"I'm going to JT's place." She looks mad at that, and slightly pushes me again.

"I see how it is! You'd rather hang out with your stupid friends then me, your girlfriend!" This is honestly annoying. JT talks to me, unlike her. JT is always here for me, unlike her. JT is- wait I have to respond.

"Well, yeah." I simply state, it's a simple fact.

"Yeah well, if you don't meet me at the park then we're over! You can tell that weirdo friend of yours that you're not coming!" She glares at me one last time and runs off. Which makes me think about why I'm even dating her in the first place. Whatever, if she does actually break up with me, I won't give a crap. Soon I'll be so perfect that all the girls will want me.

"Welp, are you gonna cancel?" JT said from behind me. I guess he heard that whole conversation.

"No," I say as I turn around, "I'd rather hang out with you than her." For some reason he slightly blushes at that, but I don't think anything of it.

"Well, what if she dumps you?" JT asks, and he would probably be glad if she did.

"Then I won't care. Enough about her. Let's go." I grab his arm and drag him down the stairs. This better be fun, and I better not have to eat anything.


	2. Skinny

**Chapter 2 - Skinny**

JT's POV

Finally, after a long day at school, I can finally just hang out with Toby and forget it all. I guess I'm just happy Kendra might break up with him, as bad as that might sound. I mean, I know I don't have a chance and all, but-

"Uhh, JT?" Toby asks as I realize I've just been standing at the edge of my door, staring in looking at him.

"Sorry, sorry. Hey, wanna spend the night?"

"Sure. So what do we do now?" To answer that I just turn on the TV in my room and put in a horror movie, and then get junk food from my secret stash. Yep, I know I'm a slob.

"Horror movies, really? You always get scared and once you even jumped onto my lap." He teases, and I feel my face heat up. I did that on purpose, plus I was actually freaking terrified.

"Yeah, yeah." I smile and climb on the bed next to him. We spend the night watching movies, and I may or may not have hogged all of the junk food, not that he wanted any anyway. I didn't think much of it. I also may have purposely cuddled up to him and pretended I was scared. He didn't push me off.

Eventually, he fell asleep. He looked so adorable, and he looked tired earlier anyways because his eyes were red. I simply kiss his forehead, because obviously he won't know if he's asleep. Then I drag him to the part of the bed where you're actually supposed to sleep. He wraps an arm around me in his sleep, and I can't really move, so I just put one of my arms around him. I tried to keep my eyes from closing, but I was just so comfortable...

A few hours later

Toby's POV

I woke up, I didn't realize I had fell asleep. I remember being at JT's place, and being thankful he didn't offer me any food. Because he was already suspicious, but it must've slipped from his mind. Where is he anyway?

I get my answer when I realize he's laying next to me, and we're cuddling. Cuddling. His embrace is warm and comforting, and I like it. But I'm not supposed to...

I'm not supposed to like this, right? He's a guy, I don't like guys. And he's my best friend! Does he even know what's happening!? I start slightly panicking and move his arm off of me, which wakes him up.

"Hey, sorry, I guess we were talking and fell asleep like that." Of course it's not a big deal to him. He probably didn't care if he woke up in his best friends arms, but I did! I liked it! Does that mean I like JT?

I almost start crying thinking about this. He doesn't like me like that! He would hate me! I would lose my best friend! Calm down, maybe I don't like him. Then why do I feel this way? He'd never date anyone like me, I'm a bad person. I'm a nerd, and I still haven't reached my goals of being thin. I'm still...fat...

"Are you okay?"

No. I really wanna kiss you right now. Ugh! I can't with these thoughts!

"Y-yeah I'm fine..." I can't help but glance down at his lips. Dammit! I can't like him!

"Are you sure? Because-" I cut him off. I need a minute to be alone.

"Yes JT, I'm fine! I'm just gonna go to the bathroom." I get off his bed and head down the hallway into his bathroom. And no, I'm not going to purge, my stomach is empty and I like the way it feels. If it hurts, it's working.

I go into the bathroom and shut the door as I try to process what just happened and what I just realized.

It's all too much. I can't handle it. I can't handle the fact that I might like JT. No, maybe I just liked he comfort. But I thought about kissing him! And if it were someone else...even Kendra...I wouldn't have liked it...

It's all too much. I start crying and I feel like I can't breathe.

I don't even notice JT open the door and come in only to see me in a complete mess. I'm so stupid.

"Toby?" He sounds concerned as he kneels down next to me, and to my surprise, he wraps his arms around me. It's so comfortable...and I can't help but let him. He starts running his fingers through my hair. It's so soothing, and it calms me down. For the first time, that damn voice in the back of my head isn't the one doing that.

"Toby...when's the last time you ate something?" I don't answer. I don't know how he caught on, I guess I'm more of an idiotic waste of space than I thought.

"Toby!" He sounds concerned as I guess he can tell I meant a while. He doesn't need to know that when I do eat, I throw it up.

"Are you starving yourself again?" His eyes start to water up, and I look at him in confusion. Why is he so upset?

"I-...I just want to be perfect..." I whisper. I don't add the fact that I think he's perfect.

"You already are! You can only starve so much until you die! You can't die! Don't do this Toby! You're already so, so perfect the way you are! I can list a million things! Like your eyes, for example. You've got the prettiest eyes and lashes that I've ever seen! You're not fat, okay?" I can't believe he thought I was perfect.

"Please eat...if not for yourself...then do it for me..." He sounds so desperate. I have no choice but to say I will try. And I will. I have to do it for him.

"I'll try...I'll try for you..." he hugs me again, tighter. I hug him back, and it's so weird that I do like it...

_Mirror, mirror on the wall_

_ruthless to your victim_

_Suiting you becomes my love_

_tied to my reflectionHunger takes a hold of memaking my decisions__Glossy fashion magazines will feed my new addiction_

_-_

_Hiding in my baggy jeans_

_No one knows my secret_

_

Hiding from the eyes that see

I have been defeated

Mirror, mirror on my wall

Ruthless to your victim

Suiting you is all i know

A slave to my reflection

_


	3. Ana

**Chapter 3 - Ana**

Toby's POV

Over the weekend, I kept my word that I would try to eat. I did, and I felt satisfied. But then satisfaction turned to guilt, and the feeling that I'm fat. And I ended up going to the bathroom, turning the water on so no one would hear, and getting rid of all of it. I didn't want too, but it's like I was addicted. This morning, I managed to force down one waffle with nothing on it. I felt sick, but I managed to keep it down.

I walk up to school, happy to see JT. So happy that I almost forgot about Kendra.

"So you didn't show up! We're over! I never wanted a loser like you anyway!" She yelled as she walked up to me. She shoved me again, harder this time.

I was honestly shocked. She actually broke up with me over this?

Maybe she's right...I am a loser. I don't even respond as I walk away, and I don't realize where I was going until I got there. I was standing in the boys bathroom, staring at the mirror. What was I doing eating? I probably gained a bunch of weight!

I no longer had a girlfriend, and no one else would ever want me. Unless I was perfect. Unless I was weightless. I knew exactly what I had to do. I walk in one of the stalls, and kneel down next to the toilet. I don't care if anyone hears or not. They can't stop me from being perfect. From being weightless.

So I shove two fingers down my throat, and I felt relief.

JT's POV

I had saw Kendra shove Toby, and he walked off. I don't know if that was a fight or a full on break up, but whatever it was, she treats him like trash. He deserves better. He deserves someone who likes him for who he was.

Oh wait, I just realized I could follow him and asked him what happened. I follow the direction he was going, even though there was a lot of hallway traffic. I finally figure out he went into the bathroom, and I walk in.

I almost call out his name, but before I can even speak I'm cut off by a sound...

The sound of someone throwing up...

No, no!

I run to the stall I heard it from, and thankfully it's halfway open so I can see it.

Or maybe it's not a good thing. It hurt to see my crush forcing himself to throw up.

"Toby! Stop! You don't gotta do that!" I shout as I pull him up. I want to slap him and hug him at the same time.

"Why did you do that?" I practically screamed. I don't think he sees how much this worries me.

"Because Kendra broke up with me! She was the only one who liked me! She said I was a loser! Now leave me alone!" Toby pushes past me and tries to walk out but I grab his arm. He can't leave!

"Don't do this to yourself!"

"And why not, huh? No one cares! There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing! I'm making myself skinny and perfect!" I can hear the pain in his voice. That can't be how he really feels, can it?

"No! I care about you! It's scaring me that you do this!" I want to tell him how I feel so bad, but it might make things even worse. He doesn't even realize how much I care about him. And I don't think he realizes how thin he's already gotten. You can't see his bones, but it's not normal.

"Leave me alone JT! No one even likes me, not like Kendra did!"

"I do! In fact, I like you more!" I accidentally blurt out. He looks at me for a minute, before walking out.

"Toby!" I try to follow him, he looks so dizzy. I notice a few people notice how dizzy he seems, and then he passes out. I run to him and try to wake him up. People gather around and start whispering. They sound worried.

Luckily, he wakes up and notices all of us around him. He gets up and starts to walk away. Good thing a teacher saw him, and me and her walked to him.

"Toby, are you okay? When's the last time you ate?" She asks, and Toby rolls his eyes at that.

"Today. Can you both leave me alone now?" We don't even get a chance to respond as he walks down the hallway.

"JT, come to my office." That's when I realized it was the counselor who's supposed to help with this stuff. I guess it's good thing she saw.

I follow her back to her office, and sigh as we both sit down.

"Do you know what's going on with Toby?" She asks. I guess I should tell her if I really want to help him.

"I guess...well...I found out a couple of days ago he wasn't eating...and I noticed that he's...well he's not skin and bones yet but...it's not normal...he always looks tired and angry and...before he fainted I had caught him throwing up..." She listens and she looks concerned.

"It seems to me like he has an eating disorder. Maybe both anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. I'm going to call his parents. You can go back to class." I thank her and leave. He needs help and I can't help him by myself. He might hate me for telling someone about about him, but I'd rather him alive and hating me than dead.

_Reel em in on farther in_

_Imagine my reflections thin_

_Pull that measuring tape tighter_

_Wishing to be thin and lighter_

_This is what Ana's done to me_

_Taking away my personality _

_I'm imprisoned my self hate_

_There's no escape_

_-_

_I'm disgusted when I feel myself_

_Can't handle this I need some help_

_This hopeless life does not drown me_

_Ana please hurry up and kill me_

_I'm becoming insanity_

_Lost my friends and my dignity_

_Sleepless nights and low self esteem_

_Is it worth it just to be me?_


	4. Skin and Bones

**Chapter 4 - Skin and Bones**

Toby's POV

JT told me that he liked me. And I walked away. Why? Because I didn't believe him. How could someone as perfect as him like someone like me?

And I fainted out there as well. I don't care, it has to work. Just starve me if it works.

"Toby, I just got a call from the counselors office, they want you to come down." Just as he said that, JT walked in and looked at me. I hope he didn't do what I think he did.

"Okay." I respond, it's not like I have a choice. I get up and walk out the door, and I feel JT staring at me the whole time.

I walk down to the counselors office, ignoring my blurry vision. I walk in and see my dad, mom, and Kate all sitting in front of the counselor.

"What's this about?" I ask. Now it's for sure that JT told the counselor what I've been doing. Why does he not want me to be skinny?

"Toby, we got a call from the counselor saying you've been starving yourself and purging. Is this true?" Dad looks at me, and I can see the concern in his eyes. Yeah, it hurt like hell, but it works.

"And who told you that?" Just deny everything.

"Your friend, JT, did. And I saw you faint. He told me everything. There's no use denying it, we know it's true. We want to help you." She then starts going on about how this isn't healthy, and I could seriously die. But I don't care.

"Why are you trying to stop me from being skinny and happy?" I yell at them and walk out, but they all get up and follow me.

"Toby, please. Do you really think doing this will help? You're already amazing the way you are!" Mom grabs my arm to keep me from walking off.

"Toby, if you don't start eating normally then we'll have no choice but to put you in therapy. And if that doesn't work, a mental institute." Dad says, and that really gets me. Damn them. Now they're really going to stop me.

"I can't! Every time I try to eat, my body won't let me! I had to force it down the last few days, and it all ended up in the toilet!And I only ate because JT wanted me too! But I don't care!" I detach my arm from my moms grip.

"Think about how this would affect JT. People die from doing what you're doing, Toby. Think about how this would affect your parents, your friends, and JT. Do you really want that?" The counselor asks. No. I don't. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna hurt anyone. I just wanted to be thin.

"I'm not gonna die, okay!"

"I know you're not. Because we're going to get you counseling and you'll be okay. Why don't you go home for the rest of the day?" She responds, and something about that is comforting.

"I'll let JT come over after school. He really cares about you, Tobes." Dad says as he leads me out and back into the car.

We go back home, and they convince me to eat toast and an apple, they said we'll start small. I felt disgusting eating it and my stomach hurt, so I just went to my room to sleep.

When I woke up, it was to my dads voice telling me that JT was here and that he was sending him up. I groan and sit up, and he walks through the door, a smile on his face but concerned eyes.

"Hey, are you okay?" I just then remember he told me that he likes me. I have to find out if that's true.

"Did you mean what you said earlier? That you like me?" He turns red at that question, and slowly nods.

"I know you don't feel the same way, but I do like you. And I think you're perfect. I never thought of you as fat or ugly. I always thought you were amazing the way you are. Just being you. Okay I'll shut up now." I look at him for a second and think. Perfect. That's what I wanted to be but I never would be. Fat and ugly, he didn't think I was but that voice kept telling me I was. Amazing, that's what he thought.

No, he was amazing and perfect. And I liked him back, as much as I didn't want to admit it.

"JT, you're the perfect one." I get up from my bed and walk towards him. I reluctantly kiss his cheek, and he smiles at that. He's so cute.

"Wait, you like me back?" I nod in response. I glance down at this lips, and he sees what I'm looking at.

"Can I kiss you?" JT smirks as he realizes what I'm thinking about.

"Y-yeah. If you want." He leaned forward and kissed me, on the lips. This was much better than the time Kendra kissed me. This time, I felt fireworks. His lips were soft, and the kiss was gentle. It was perfect.

After a minute, he breaks apart and smiles at me. How did I deserve a heaven like JT Yorke?

"Does this mean we're a thing now?" He asks innocently.

"Of course, if you want." He pecks my lips again and grabs one of my hands.

"Promise me you'll start eating?" This would be a difficult thing to do, but I would try.

"JT...it's not easy. But I promise I'll try..." he nods, he might not completely understand, but he does care, and that's enough for me_._

_I lock the door_

_

Turn all the water on

And bury that sound

So no one hears anything anymore

_

_Mirror, lie to me, tell me you can see_

_

Maybe you won't be able to recognize me now

I know you can feel all the things you steal

And you're taking and you're taking it

_

_Feeling so easy, make me skin and bones_

_

I'm always on my knees for you

Break it like it's even

When you're leaving and thin

Where the hell have you been?

_


	5. Pull Me Under

**Chapter 5 - Pull Me Under**

Toby's POV

It's been about two weeks since I've been dating JT, and since I've been going to therapy. The purging hadn't completely stopped, but had become less frequent. The amount of time I went starving became shorter. I didn't feel afraid of my own body anymore. However, I still felt disgusted whenever I ate, and on top of that my stomach hurt. Now, it's Monday, and I'm standing in front of school waiting for JT. I managed to have a normal breakfast this morning and not get rid of it, although I did feel the urge. I did feel guilt, but I refused to let the voice win today.

"Hey, Tobes!" JT said excitedly as he ran up to me, and I smile when I see him. He hugs me and kisses my cheek, and I hug back.

"How are you today?" He asks, he's always so caring and patient. He'd do anything to help me, anything to make sure I'm okay. And because of him, I'm starting to be okay.

"I'm okay. All because of you." I'm about to lean in and kiss him, but I feel someone tap on my shoulder. I look behind me and I see Kendra, and she looks sorry. I hear JT scoff, but I decide see what she wants.

"I heard what happened." She says with worry in her voice. Word got out again, and I guess everyone is worried. Including Kendra.

She throws her arms around my neck, hugging me. I'm confused, she broke up with me, and now that she hears I have an eating disorder she wants me back? But I don't want her, I'm with JT. But I don't push her off, I just stand there, not hugging her back.

"I'm so, so sorry! I had no idea what you were going through! I really miss you!" She says, and I roll my eyes and gently push her off.

"Look, Kendra, we're over. You broke up with me over something little, and I'm with someone else." I guess a lot of people feel sorry for me, but I didn't expect Kendra too. When I said I wanted attention, I didn't mean like this. I realize what I was doing isn't healthy. My health is worth more than popularity.

"What? Who?" She looks surprised I already found someone else. Well, I guess I've always wanted JT, I just didn't realize it.

"JT." I say, and her eyes widen in shock. I really don't care what she thinks. JT puts his arm around me, happy with my choice.

"Oh...uh...well..." she looks at us for a minute, before walking off. JT smirks at me, and then the bell rings. Time for class.

Lunch

I made a promise. But promises are so hard to keep.

I'm sitting here, pushing food around my plate, not eating a single bite. I can feel JT looking at me, but I don't care.

"I'm sorry. I just can't." I sighed. I felt disgusting. The doctor diagnosed me with anorexia and bulimia, and it really sucks. A lot of girls who are skinny and skip maybe one meal think they're anorexic and it's a bunch of bullshit. Anorexia is so much more than not eating and being skinny. They don't know what it's like to look in the mirror and hate every part of their self. Your stomach isn't flat enough, your thigh gap isn't big enough, your ribs and hips don't stick out enough, your arms aren't thin enough, you're just not good enough. You'll starve til you're beautiful. You don't care about your health or the consequences, you just wanna be skinny. You don't know the hunger pains, you don't know what it's like to be ashamed and guilty for eating, you don't know what it's like to hate your own reflection, you don't know what it's like to never feel good enough because being perfect is being thin, you don't know what it's like to lie all the time, you don't know what it's like to avoid going to restaurants because you don't wanna eat at all, and you don't know the whole pain and mindset you're stuck in. You don't know the voice in your head constantly telling you you're not good enough. You don't know the pain of your stomach and you're throat from throwing up but also loving the control you feel. You don't know what it's like to be so hungry but you won't let yourself eat because the voice said you weren't good enough and you didn't deserve it. You-

"Toby??" Someone called my name, causing me to snap out of my thoughts. Everyone at the table was looking at me, and they looked worried. Especially JT.

"I-I have to go." I got up and ran inside the school, and despite my bones and muscles feeling weak, I was pretty fast. I ran into the nearest bathroom and locked the stall. And turn to the only comfort I have.

I jam two fingers down my throat, and it takes a couple of tries but eventually I throw up. On instinct, I look down.

Blood.

I threw up BLOOD.

That's not good. All the control I felt from purging now turned to guilt. Before I could do anything else, JT ran into the bathroom. He kept banging on the door and I finally unlocked it. My guilt got worse as I saw that he was crying.

"JT I-" before I can finish my sentence, he wraps his arms around me and kisses my forehead.

"It's okay...Toby...you need to stop or you're gonna die...just look...blood..." his voice breaks and it makes me start crying. He's right.

"The voice won't shut up! I can't eat without feeling guilty! I thought I could keep it down today, but-..." He pulls me closer and runs a soothing hand through my hair to try and calm me down. I don't know how he puts up with me, but I'm glad he does. Without him I would just be miserable.

"I promise I'm trying, it's just-"

"-its just not easy. I know, Tobes. And I'm gonna be here no matter what." We both got up and left the stall, holding hands.

I'm trying. I really am.

_Cleanse the darkness inside my soul_

_Purify, rectify_

_All the guilt that I swallowed whole_

_Can't seem to find myself inside_

_Force my knees down_

_Against the ground_

_Hide the noise_

_Disguise the sound_

_Purge my mistakes_

_Until they erase_

_The scars that keep my wrists so bound_

_Feed the yearning_

_Embrace the burning_

_Whispering from the voice within_

_Shake and shudder_

_Just pull me under_

_Submerge me in this erasure_

_Shake and shudder_

_Just pull me under_

_Purge my mistakes_

_Until they erase_

_All my failures._


	6. Weightless

**Chapter 6 - Weightless**

Toby's POV

I looked in the mirror in disgust. Everyone said I didn't realize how skinny I was, and I mean I wasn't boney or anything, but all I saw was fat. I don't even deserve food, not even water.

They tell me I need to stop, but I say I just need to lose a little more weight before I'm finally good enough.

I get called down for dinner, but I yell back saying I have a lot of homework. My voice was strained from throwing up in the bathroom yesterday, so it came out as scratchy. My dad came up the stairs going on about how skipping dinner wasn't acceptable and set a plate down on the desk and walked away. Great.

There's nothing wrong with me. I just have true willpower. And if they can't understand that, then screw them.

But deep down I know I have a problem. Everyone I know is worried, even Ashley and especially JT. And I don't want to push him away, because I know I can never replace him.

I'd rather be perfect than alive.

JT's POV

I've been trying to go to sleep since 10pm and it's now 12am. I can't sleep. I'm too worried.

Worried about Toby. I'm trying so hard to help him, and I know I have helped a lot, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about his health. Throwing up blood, that's scary. I want him to be okay. I want him to love himself and be happy because seeing him happy makes me happy.

The thought of him being in a hospital with those tubes things scares me. He's so close to being underweight, if he's not already. He was never even fat or overweight in the first place, I don't know what started this. Well, I remember how much he wanted attention. He wanted to get fit and be on the wrestling team and be popular. But it wasn't worth it. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

I sigh and turn over, and I hope I can get some sleep tonight.

TIME-SKIP : MORNING

I wake up to my moms voice yelling up at me to come down for breakfast. I managed to go to sleep around one, but I kept waking up during the night. I throw on some clothes and run downstairs, I'll fix my hair and do other stuff to get ready after.

I smile when I remember that I'm supposed to meet Toby a little early today, and we're hanging out after school. I'll make sure he eats today and doesn't throw it up.

I'll do whatever it takes to help him.

I walk out of my room and into the kitchen, seeing my mom and grandma already at the table. I start eating quickly, I don't want to be late.

"Slow down James, you'll choke." My grandma warns and I slow down a little but not a lot.

"What's the big hurry?" My mom smiles at me.

"I'm meeting Toby earlier today." I simply answer and take a sip out of my cup.

"Oh, your boyfriend?" I choke on my drink and start coughing, causing my mom to snicker. I have no idea how she knows, I didn't even tell her. I mean, I know Toby told his parents and they're completely okay with him dating me, they know how much I care about him.

"W-what? He's totally not my boyfriend." I'm terrible at lying.

"JT, I'm your mother. I know when you're lying. Besides, I saw you guys kiss when he was over here a couple of days ago. It's okay honey, it's not a big deal." My mom doesn't live with us, she just visits a lot. She's too busy to have me living with her, so my grandma mostly raised me, but she was here a couple of days ago. I guess I'm not as sneaky as I thought.

"I'm gonna be late if I don't hurry up." I run back to my room, ignoring the laughter coming from the kitchen, and finish getting ready for school. I run to the corner store and see Toby already there. He smiles at me and I smile back. He's so cute.

"Hey babe." I say as I gently peck his lips and smile at him again.

"Hey." He responds and grabs one of my hands.

"Did you eat today?" I ask and his smile quickly fades.

"Yes." A lie, I already know. I can tell when he's lying because of the look in his eyes.

"I know you're lying." I say. He lets go of my hand and sighs.

"We're going to be late for school. Let's go." I frown but follow him anyways.

Toby's POV

I wish people would stay off my back about my eating habits. It's just annoying me even more. I don't want to eat. I can't eat. I'm fat. I'm not hungry.

Right now I'm sitting in class, drumming my pencil against the table. I'm still annoyed at JT from earlier, even though it was just a simple question.

The bell rings for lunch and I roll my eyes. Another day where all my friends stare at me, Ashley sneaks glances at me from across the room, and JT watches me like a hawk.

You know what? I don't have to sit with them today. I get up and walk outside, sitting down at a table by myself. I know my friends are inside but I don't care.

I start thinking about JT. I really, really like him but he needs to back off. I'm fine.

Speak of the devil. He's standing next to me now. I swear he never stops watching me.

"Eat this." He says as he sets an apple down in front of me. No way.

"I don't have time for this." I try to get up but he pushes me back down. He's stronger than me since I'm weak and dizzy which sucks, but I'm still not good enough.

"Toby, you need to eat, okay? You're-" and then he goes on to talk about how I'm already perfect, and how I need to eat or I'm going to die. But I'm not hearing this again. It's all stupid.

"Can you just shut up already? Stop lying about me being perfect and stop trying to force me to eat! I don't care!" I get up and this time he fails at pushing me back down, instead he grabs my arm.

"I'm just trying to help you!"

"Yeah well you're making everything worse!" I can see the hurt in his eyes but right now I don't care. I walk through the empty hallways and to the bathroom. There's nothing to purge so I'll just sit in there alone.

And of course JT follows me.

"Oh what now? Are you going to throw up again? Because you're going to-"

"Will you shut the hell up? I don't need you! I'm fine! You're just making everything worse by trying!" I scream at him through the stall. Will he just let me be?

"I'm doing this because I care about you! Please just listen to me! I-"

"No! I'm done listening to you!"

I swing open the stall door and he's standing there glaring at me.

"Just leave me alone JT!" I push past him and run back outside. I'm done talking to him.

Who am I kidding? He's the only thing that makes me happy. But right now...right now being perfect, really perfect is more important than what he has to say.

JT's POV

I sink down to the bathroom floor with my back against the wall. I feel horrible.

I'm just trying to help him because I truly believe I'm staring to fall in love with him. But he doesn't care about me.

I realize I'm crying and I quickly wipe my tears. I know he does care and that it's just the disorder, but that doesn't mean it don't hurt. I know that wasn't a break up, he would be more specific if it were. I really he realized what he's doing.

I'll just give him some space. But not too much. I can't go without talking to him for too long.

_Hi my name is ana and I'm here to save you_

_Very smart of you to call me_

_We will work togheter and we'll leave no footprints_

_

We'll have wings eventually

I want to embrace you

I will help you to control

I will hurt like hell

I will swallow your sweet soul

_

_It will be nailed to your jawbone_

_It is painted on the mirror_

_Stripped to the bone_

_

To the soul to the I don't know

Stripped to the core

To the matter to the flesh and oh!

_

_Stripped to the four in the morning lies and lullabies_

_Stripped without clothes, without dirt_

_Without baggage, without consciousness_

_

And you are weightless

You are weightless

So just be a good girl and please follow my rules

Don't forget I'm taking over

Transparent is what you'll be in no time if you're

Taking life in stone cold sober

I want to embrace

I will make you steal and lie

_

_I will hurt like hell_

_I will kill you in no time_

_Stripped to the bone_

_

To the soul to the I don't know

Stripped to the core

To the matter to the flesh and oh!

Stripped to the four in the morning lies and lullabies

Stripped without clothes, without dirt

Without baggage, without consciousness

And you are weightless

You are weightless

Everyone's your enemy

_

_You find your worst fears in me_

_Stripped to the bone_

_To the soul to the I don't know_

_

Stripped to the core

To the matter to the flesh and oh!

Stripped to the four in the morning lies and lullabies

Stripped without clothes, without dirt

_

_Without baggage, without consciousness_

_And you are weightless_

_You are weightless_

_

You are weightless

You are weightless

You are weightless

_


	7. FeelingSmall

**Chapter 7 - Feeling Small**

Toby's POV

It's been a few days since the fight with JT. He's tried to talk to me but I've been ignoring him. Talk to me for what? To lie to me and try and make me eat? Yeah, no.

Speaking of which, I woke up and I felt worse than ever today. I was feeling really weak and dizzy, and I had a huge headache. But that's okay. It just means I'm losing weight.

I weighed myself, and it was 104 pounds. It's still not good enough. If I lose just a little bit more, than maybe it'll be enough.

Everyone's already gone today, which is perfect. I run to school to burn a few more calories and immediately regret that decision when I start to feel even dizzier.

I walk into the school and lean against the hallway for support. And guess who decided to talk to me?

JT Yorke.

"Hey Tobes. You okay?" I consider ignoring him, but then I turn around. I really miss him, and I know he's my boyfriend, but I need to lose more weight.

"I'm fine JT." I answer and then walk off. Today was not my day.

I walk into first period and lay my head down, today I don't care about what the teacher is saying. I just want this day to be over already.

"Toby?" Someone whispers to me, and it's not JT because this voice sounds female. It's Kendra, my least favorite person.

"What?" I ask, not even hiding the annoyance in my voice. She sighs and looks at me again.

"You don't look so good. I think you should see the nurse. You look sick. Look, I know we might be broken up and you're with JT or whatever, but I'm worried about you." She says and she sounds concerned. God dang, there's nothing to worry about.

"I'm fine Kendra! Not that it's your business." I snap, causing Emma to turn around and shush me. I flip her off and her and Kendra both look at me in shock.

I roll my eyes and lay my head down again. I don't have time for this.

I have two wishes, JT and to be perfect and popular. But which do I want more? Honestly, it's JT. Because I truly think I love him. On the other hand, I'm so close to my goal and if I gave up now then that would suck. Being thin and not eating are signs of true willpower and success, and I'll do it. 104lbs is for quitters.

"Toby? Class is over." Kendra says. Already? This day is going by quick. I don't even glance at her as I get up and walk out, but I'm pushed into the lockers by Emma.

"What the heck? I didn't even push you that hard? What's wrong with you?" Stupid weakness. Whatever.

"Back off Emma, I don't have time for you." I try and leave but she grabs my arm.

"You're boney. It's not normal." I roll my eyes. I'm not boney, I'm fat.

"And you're annoying. Bye." I try and release my arm from her grip but again I'm too weak.

"Look, you should really go to the doctor. I know you have anorexia and-"

"Oh shut the hell up and leave me alone! I don't even care!" I push her off and walk to my next class.

That class went by quickly, as did the next. And soon enough, it was time for lunch. I knew I had to avoid JT and the others since they're constantly on my back, so I went to the back of the school. Luckily, no one else came back there. I started to head back to class a little early so I wouldn't get caught, but I ran into JT.

"Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you! I was worried!" JT said and I rolled my eyes. This again.

"Emma told me you gave her the bird, Ashley said you always eat dinner in your room but we both know you don't, and everyone else says you're just not you! Please eat! Please, Toby!" I can hear the worry in his voice, but I don't care. Why is everyone trying to stop me?!

"Just shut up about it! There's nothing wrong with me!" People start coming in for lunch and I turn away to go towards my next class, but I grip the wall instead.

"Toby?" JT says more things after that, but I'm too dizzy to pay attention. Everything is spinning and I see black spots on my eyes. And suddenly everything is dark.

JT's POV

I'm practically yelling Toby's name as he faints AGAIN. Me and a couple of other people gather around and someone goes to get the nurse, and I keep shaking him.

"Toby! Please wake up! You have too!" The nurse comes and checks him while I feel someone place their hand on my shoulder. I turn around and see Emma, Manny, and Liberty.

"Mr. Raditch is calling his parents and an ambulance. I'm sorry JT." Emma says. Manny glares at her and Liberty shakes her head.

"Stop apologizing like he's going to die. He's not, he's going to be okay." Manny says as she sadly smiles at me.

"Yeah. It's going to be a fight, but he'll realize this is not healthy." Liberty suggests. Just as she finishes talking the paramedics come in and take Toby away. I can only hope he'll be okay.

I can only hope.

Toby's POV

I open my eyes to see myself in a room and a bed that's not mine. I reach my hand up and tubes, tubes in my nose. Oh my god. I'm in the hospital.

I look next to me and see JT sitting next to my bed, and he's holding my other hand. He's asleep, and I can see the tear stains on his cheeks. What happened?

My memory is foggy, but eventually I realize I must've fainted again but this time they couldn't get me up.

I realize now what I've really been doing. This was not normal.

"JT." I say and he opens his eyes and looks at me. I sad smile comes onto his face when he sees that I'm awake.

"How long was I out for?" I ask, and he thinks for a minute.

"Only a day I think. It feels like longer, though. The doctors told us you were underweight and suffering from anorexia nervousa, and they put you on tubes. Toby, I know you're sick of hearing me say this but you're going to die if you keep doing this. I love you and I'm really worried about you." I process what he's saying and then realized he said that he loves me. He must've realized this too as his eyes get wide.

"I-I mean I really like you and-" I gently squeeze his hand and he sighs.

"Okay, fine. Toby, I think I'm in love with you. Seeing you like this kills me. You can't die on me, dude. I need you. You have to stop. Please." A few more tears fall from his eyes and it breaks my heart. I hate to see him hurting.

"I love you, JT. I'm sorry." I gently smile at him and he sighs before pressing his lips to my forehead.

"I want to live. I'm terrified of gaining weight, but I'm staying here with you. I'm going to beat this stupid eating disorder. I'm going to start going to therapy more often and I'm going to start eating more. And I'm not going to throw it up. I'm going to fix this." He smiles at me and yawns. He's probably really tired.

"Let's go back to sleep. I love you JT."

"I love you too. I'm gonna help you through this." He closes his eyes and I close mine, but I don't go back to sleep yet.

Anorexia, it's going to kill me if I don't start eating and stop purging. And I don't want to die. I should've listened to JT, everyone's perfect just being themselves. I'm going to hate gaining weight, but I have to do this.

I have to do this for him.

_This one's of you, taking your pill_

_

You sometimes forget, and that's okay I guess

This one's of me at my sister's wedding day

_

_All my faces, they all were wasted_

_You're barely breathing, I know_

_

What if it started to show?

And I know it won't ever change

But it hurts the same

_

_This one's of me, throwing up for you_

_

And I'm paler still, and that's the way you wanted it

This one's of you; certain of cancer

_

_And all my faces, they all were wasted on feeling small_

_You're barely breathing, I know_

_

And now it's starting to show

And I know it won't ever change

But it hurts the same

_

_A fever broke somewhere behind July_

_

And remember how I weighed 135

And we collide

_

_All my faces, they all were wasted on feeling small_

_You're barely breathing, I know_

_

And now it's starting to show

And I know it won't ever change

But it hurts the same

_

_This one's of me, losing the way_

_Feeling afraid_


	8. Courage

T

oby's POV

It's been months since I was in the hospital, and 8th grade is almost over. I've repaired most of the physical damage, but I'm still working on the mental part. I have tried to purge since then, but thinking about JT has always stopped me. I've returned back to average weight and I now eat like a normal person. I've had bad days where I've needed help, but that's okay because me and JT are still going strong. I love him. Therapy has helped a lot too.

It wasn't easy. At the beginning, recovery was the toughest thing ever. I hated eating, I always felt guilty after. I felt like I would just wake up fat, but of course I wasn't. I constantly lashed out on everyone, even JT, but they were all patient with me. What I was doing hurt them more than I realized. People at school always looked at me like I was crazy. Hey look, there's the dude that forgot how to eat, how do you forget how to eat? No, the question is, how do you remember?

Fortunately, things gradually got easy and now here I am, finally healthy and truly happy, sitting with JT on the steps in front of the school, and he was going on about the end of the year dance.

"Y'know, I still don't have a date." He elbows me and smiles, causing me to roll my eyes playfully.

"Yeah, yeah. Wanna go to the dance with me?" In response he grabs my face and pulls me in to kiss me. At this point we don't give a crap who sees. We've been through enough already so we could probably handle anything.

"Well duhhhh." He says, that same stupidly cute smile on his face. I love this idiot.

"Uh hi? I've been trying to talk to you guys for the past minute." I look behind me and see none other than Kendra glaring daggers at me and JT, with Liberty standing behind her gesturing us that she didn't do anything.

"So Liberty here was just telling me that you liked JT while we were together. That true?" I roll my eyes and JT looks at Liberty like she's crazy.

"Well yes, but no. You see, I liked you at first, then you turned into a bit- a brat. And after that I realized I liked JT, so it's a mixed answer." She looks pissed, which is understandable but also stupid. It's not my fault, she's the one who broke up with me.

"This is why you'll never be good enough. You'll always be imperfect, never skinny enough and always just a waste of space." The logical side of me knows that what she's saying is not true, that I am good enough and I'm still pretty skinny, and even if I wasn't I would still be...amazing, or whatever. But the other half believes what she says. That I'll never be good enough. And guess which side won the argument inside my head?

"You're the one who treated him like crap. You lost an amazing guy because you're the one being a bitch." JT says, but that makes no change in my mind though.

Kendra glares at JT one last time before walking off, and then he looks at Liberty.

"What the hell was that?" JT yells at her, I know he can tell how those words effected me. If there's one person who truly knows me, it's him. He can tell when I'm lying, when I'm sad, or when I'm hiding something. Overall, that's a good thing.

"I didn't mean for it to happen like that! She started bombarding me with questions and I didn't know what to do!" Liberty defended, but JT still looked pissed. So I decided to say something.

"It's fine guys, her words don't phase me at all. I don't care." A lie. Well, that's what I hate doing the most. I've done that enough.

"But Toby-" before JT can finish talking, the bell rings for first period. Good. Yes, I hate lying, but it's necessary sometimes. Maybe she's right. I'm not skinny enough. It wouldn't hurt to skip lunch today, right?

The classes go by, and everything is normal. But then lunch rolls around. Everyone has their plates, and I do too, but I can't bring myself to eat anything.

"Are you okay, Toby?" Manny asks, and I look up and see everyone staring at me. Well, I've been in this situation before.

And I want to tell them how I'm really feeling. But I don't.

"I don't feel well." I mumble, and push the plate away. And then I get up and walk away. I bet you know where I'm going by now.

I open the bathroom door and go into one of the stalls, and things keep popping into my head. It wouldn't hurt to throw up this once, right?

I kneel down next to the toilet, and try and shove two fingers down my throat. I hate doing this, since it usually leaves my knuckles bruised, and that's why I used a toothbrush at home. And yes, I felt ridiculous with a toothbrush down my throat, but it's either that or feel guilty.

But today, I can't throw up. The second I raised two fingers to my throat, I put them back down.

My therapist told me, the hardest parts of recovery were going to be the ones where I was facing my demons the most. And I think right now was one of them.

I have to be stronger than this. I get up, and I walk out of the stall, and as I'm walking to the door, JT opens it and runs in.

"Toby! You didn't-"

"No."

And by the look in my eyes he can tell that I'm telling the truth. I didn't throw up. I'm still fighting and I'm not going to lose.

He smiles and wraps his arms around me, and I hug him back.

"I'm proud of you." He whispers, and I gently kiss his cheek.

I'm going to beat this, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how much guilt I feel, I'm going to beat this.

_I told another lie today_

_And I got through this day_

_No one saw through my games_

_I know the right words to say_

_Like I don't feel well_

_I ate before I came_

_Then someone tells me how good I look_

_And for a moment,_

_For a moment I am happy_

_But when I'm alone_

_No one hears me cry_

_I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful _

_The day I chose not to eat_

_What I do know is how it changed my life forever_

_I know I should know better_

_There are days when I'm okay_

_And for a moment,_

_For a moment I find hope_

_But there are days when I'm not okay_

_That I need your help_

_So I'm letting go_

_I need you to know I'm not through the night_

_Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light_

_I need you to know that we'll be okay_

_Together we can make it through another day_


End file.
